Broken End:

We have embarked on journeys many times and in our endeavours we have found and been found by events and moments that have defined and led us to define anew. There have been moments when we stood ignorant of where we were and where we desired to go, we have dug deep within and still not found what we are or desired to be.

We are told to keep our best fist out at all times and that the journey that will engage the soul will demand only all of who we are. We have been hit by urges to keep trying and to keep on our feet and we have thought that we are not giving this fight our best. But our best fists have been up, they have been raised far above measure and above imagination but we have not found the fight that we were supposed to meet. And yet this is the state of affairs, we are who we are; we are not some miracle hidden in a sacred future with purposes that we cannot fathom. What we are today is all we have and while everyone will want us think that we are an army destined for great battles, I would love to suggest that we are also individuals, with inherent fears and doubts.

The place in which we stand today is not merely a battle field; it is also home, home to our dreams and ambitions, to the very desires that define us all. We are supposed to live here, to be. There will be times when we may be lost to ourselves unaware of where we want to go, actually we may know where we want to go, but we are not certain of how to tread the road. The conflict in our hearts and the battle in our minds have often proved relevant in our journey. There have been turns where we chose the lion’s den against the king’s palace and that has been okay because it has been us choosing. In the place of greatest error we have also found the biggest treasures.

Then it occurs to me that we are not only in a battle, we are also the battle itself, our mere existence presents life with many battle fields and while we think that we are to conquer distant lands, we have to get to ourselves first. Our battle is not tangible and yet it holds us, our entire being is wrapped up in each of our own battles. The conflict that we work through, whether loud or silent will always be here and even when we claim to be at peace with the universe and God, we are presently with the fear of losing that peace or stepping off the golden line.

In the end, the road will be broken and it is not up to us to fix it. Our calling is to walk the road as we found it, to place our feet where they were ordained to be placed, or where we choose to place them. This road with all its brokenness is the way home and we are the one it’s leading there. We are merely pilgrims each trying deeply to conquer their inside, each silently loving and loathing their own existence. If we are to define our worth by purpose then we are reduced or magnified to that purpose. It is hard to define who we are by what we are doing and we are still in search of ourselves. The question for me is not why am I here but who am I, what are the ingredients that constitute me? The answer to that question is never easy and I find that I am scared of what I want and I am not sure of what it is that I want. I ask why it has to be this way and not any easier and I still find no answers. There is a small window that opens and wants to suck me in, and while I want to sink myself in it, I find that I have to leave most of who I am behind, most of the things that have defined me and by which I have measured my success. That is the scary bit, that if I have to find a new way, I have to leave the old here, to abandon all the progress I thought I had bagged.

Life can be nailed onto a dead tree and while we hang on it, we do not have to die on it. To find ourselves in the space of nothing can be a scary task but that is okay because when it is done we will be able to see who we are and may be then we do not need to find or even understand that road. Maybe then we shall find that the road is with in us and we are left with the task of mastering it and knowing it. If we bleed today, it is not because we were hurt, it may be because we have not lived, that we have only sought definitions in glimpses of purpose and calling. We are who we are.