A New Story:

When we finish telling the old story, then its time for us to create a new story. Some times I find in me a desire to want something that I cannot bring myself to want on my own. Sometimes I find me in the midst of company that I just don’t want, there are days when I want something until am about to get it, then I don’t even get it. I realize on many occasions that my story has grown old, very old, that I am called to get out of here to create a new story, but I fear that the new story will not be as good. And in those moments I realize that I have not written a new story because I have not been with ink in a long time.

The Depletion:

There are times when we are so committed to pouring out that we forget even to get a refill, we fall from a mighty high in an instant and the crash can be very devastating. We do not fall at once though, the fall begins with the loss of the strength to stand, to walk the required mile and distances that we have been walking before. And I guess that is why we never realize that soon we may face a landing. Time can be divided between using it and planning to use it, but what happens when we are without the direction of planning or the strength that it requires to plan. When we come to the end of what we know how to do, when what used to work no longer works, for us, then we realize that we have missed the point, that our ambitions have taken us far away from who we are and that while our deeds may still be noble, the motive has slightly drifted.

Separation:

It is always a bit hard to tell the distinction between being and doing, between who we are and what we want to be. While we are conversant with our desires, on many occasions we are without a clue of what we want and what we should want. There are days when I see opportunities melt into problems, parties turn into tragedies and I ask myself where in my heart the line should be drawn to mark the differences. In those moments I ask myself what is worth it and what isn’t, it gets confusing but I know that I am not alone. When one looses themselves to an event they never completed or have not yet completed, it’s hard to bring them back. Time may be invested in the process and counsel too. That all famous question of who we are, helps a lot. We may define ourselves by what we have, where we stand or where we want to be, whatever the definition that we may choose it has got to be one that will not change with circumstances or feelings. We have got to realize the measure by which we are not only rightly weighed but also, and most importantly, to which we are called.

The Call:

When we say that we are called, we often attach our lives to a great purpose here on earth, and in this case great has nothing to do with size, I am talking about contribution. We each contribute to life, each in a particular way, both the adorable and deplorable. Some call them jobs, others gifts, talents and so on. There are many ways by which we have contributed to life and our abilities are the God given tools by which we make that contribution. God has apportioned to each of us a certain measure of abilities and yet left us with the freedom to choose the extent to which we want to use these tools to contribute.

The Choice:

Some of us have chosen to make a huge contribution with our abilities and yet some others of us have held back. Now, there are reasons that have determined these levels of contribution and some reasons we have chosen, others we have not, there are those brought about by the choosing of others and there are those that are results of our choosing. But there is a choice that I have found to be greater than all the choices we can make with all the freedom we have. We can chose against the One that gives, or what He gives, we can go after the call and leave the Caller or we could seek the Caller first. I have not met many ways of satisfying myself, I have never met a better way to hurt myself than to choose against the Caller.

The Caller:

The Lord God, creator of the heavens and earth. He is the one that longs for us more than anything else, when we lose ourselves to some venture, worthwhile or not, we neglect the reality that we are nothing without Him. We may experience satisfaction in doing some good, but if we do not find the One that is Good, if we do not take time to see us as He sees us or defines us, we are bound to crash and what a mighty fall it would be. Mighty because when we are with Him, we stand at a very high place and when we are with out Him, we sink too deep. Sinking with no hope of rising again but Him.

The Rising:

To go back to the place where we were best defined, not by what we are capable of, or of our accomplishment, but by the Love that is greater than all error and perfection. That is my resolution, the climb may be slow, but it will pay off, for sure it will. Sounds like the home coming to me. When in solitude and we realize something, we can trust that realization more than many more that come to us because someone pointed them out to us. All new stories are created with Him, all my stories, both when am in safety and when my heart aces with great pain.

Splitting A Axe with An Firewood.

Now as much as I know that that statement is wrong in many ways, I refuse to put it down. I know many people feel the urge to do something about it and a very small minority think it’s my right to use the language in a way that I find appropriate to me. All parties will have their arguments, but one thing is sure, none of them would want to raise children teaching them that what my choice of a title is the right use of the language. I should add that if there arose a large group that demanded that I put my heading down, there would also arise a human rights group to protest on my behalf, then I would go on to form a small group of people and raise them in the ways of my ‘folly’.

Bottom line: Even the activists would not wish for their children to be part of my small group of the misled, simply because humans have a code in them, others may want to deviate, but not without great conflict in themselves.

The Case Against Love.

We have started some days with men marrying men and women too. This is not the greatest of human wrongs, but it’s a wrong any way. I do not classify wrongs in degrees. They are in love, so they get married and we all gather with them and celebrate the happiness that they share together hoping that love makes all things alright. Feelings come to all of us, and sometimes they help define us, but there are many times when they oppose the very being that we are. One day this article will come haunting me, I know, and when that day comes, I will be glad that I wrote this. We have used an firewood to split a axe in this matter. We cannot legalize same sex marriages because there is no marriage in the first place. Marriage is between a man and a woman; any other thing is a wrong pretense and should not be taken for a truth. Now I am hated, but we all know that even the gay activists would not tell their daughters that when they grow up they would love to meet their wives; they say it’s a circumstance that they may grow to accept if it befalls them. Now am hated but you get the point.

The Case Against Faith.

The other day a preacher man was in the act of burning Qurans, and shortly after that, another man blew himself to death with bombs alongside infidels. They are men of “God”, acting on His behalf. I think for a moment that “God” has lost it, it would have been easier to send us here wired with the single faith he believes in Himself. But He did not an he left us to choose, and I think we have all made our choices and we have had to leave with people that made the other choice. If we are very passionate about our faith, we should be eager to help others get to it before they leave this world, and not sending them off minus it. I think we should leave the elimination of all infidels to God through His wondrous acts. We should let Him show them how wrong they have been. In the mean time, we should know that people make choices and because of that we should love them even when they choose against the option we presented to them. I think at its best, Faith is Love and love is the respect of the other person even when we would not want to be like them.

The Case Against Rights.

The other day the women decided they wanted to be like men and the men rebelled by marrying many more women and being unfaithful to all of them. The children realized that they can choose even if that meant going against the guidance of their parents. So society enjoyed a blissful moment of a free rights generation. For that reason, we have lost families and in the process, we too have lost identity. We do not know if Britney Spears is Ugandan or if she just has clones here. We are not sure if some people walk our streets necked or not. We all have our rights RIGHT? And we are going to see them enforced. Okay that said, I should add that women walking with their breasts out of their clothes is wrong, at least in public, men showing their chests and underwear is still wrong. Why? Because we have a code as humans, we just don’t dump it to overcome our esteem problems.

The Case Against Me.

I know, who am I so judge like this?

I am Ntumwa Edward Lubega, nothing outstanding about that, except it helps point to the fact that I am human and I care about us turning into Firewood and the world using us to destroy the very things that once made us who we are( some of us). Go on love me.

Planted a Garden

I stand here alone

I walk here alone

They are singing songs to me

But I don’t hear them

They make dances for me

But I don’t feel them

But you don’t say a thing

You are not even here

But slowly you whisper into my soul

Silently you move through me

And these places that nobody knew had life

You have come and planted a garden

Each day I break

Small pieces that made me up

Every morning my sun sets

And the moon has no shape

Yet you draw me to you

You call me with a voice without word

To a place no one knew had life

To a garden that you have planted

Small Short Men

We have all been met by those short small men, those moments of reality. When you lie in your bed in the night and watch as the power of the dim light through the windows grows stronger with each passing moment, when you stop in your tracks because a child crossed right in front of you. The moments of realization come to us all. Sometimes we are heavy laden by languages that we could so easily drop and there are times when what we are trying to get rid of is part of us, so much that if we tried to drop it, a strong part of us would be cut off.

There are days when we hold on to things that are no longer with us, we stand at the station of waiting for a vehicle that is continually moving in the opposite direction. While failing to realize that we put our mortal selves in utter danger. Life is short and while we all know that, we still fail to realize why we spend most of it planning or not planning at all. Some have tried so hard to do the right thing that they have done nothing at all, others have fallen on anything that came their way that in the end what is left is an eroded road with overgrown sidewalks. Either way, we cannot live like this.
To assume that we are not that important, that we should always put others first because they deserve better than us all the time is disillusion so injurious. The latest short small man has been that I am the most important being in my life, that if I am going to love, I should start with me, if I am going to respect, I should start with me. We have met bleeding soldiers that saw everyone safe and they lost their own lives. May be in the books of life they had that part to play may be not, but we cannot save the whole world at all the time and die each time. Our safety has got to be paramount and when it is we can be with the freedom to risk our lives for others knowing that we shall not only save their but ours too.

The Case For Heroism

I was raised by a man that sacrificed much of his youth for me, I will not stand and condemn the people that have given us and not given to themselves those things that they would have loved to give themselves at those moments. I am grateful, but I also realize that we are in a constant process of giving to ourselves and that some times to buy chocolate means we shall forego mint. Either way we have given to ourselves that which we think is most important. A parent thinks that giving himself an educated child is better than building a house. The reasons for that differ from parent to parent and no matter how we may have to mask them, we are still planning for that gift, twenty years of solving a single problem can be long but parents endure it, knowing that the final product in their child is more satisfying and beneficial to all involved.

That’s just the way we are, we are part of each other in many ways than we see. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what we have loved the most, the gift or the giver. In my opinion, its important to always remember that we deserve the best, from happy children to amazing friends, that when we want something good for another we are the people worthy of such a wish.

In short, when those short small men, visit you, its time to act. The beauty in people is best touched when we give but before we decide to give, we have to realize that we are worthy of the giving. That we are important enough to be the givers. The hero has got to value his life above those that he is willing to save if such salvation is going to be of any eternal worth. The greater is always given for the lesser if eternity is going to register that giving and after such a gift, we all can learn what it truly means to gives.

So lets raise from the places of our waiting and move on the road of action. We can carry our waiting in our hearts and we should always expect some good to come our way, but we should never be crippled by the wait. Life is waiting for us to place our hands in its and walk and put our lives to both great and small uses. Our desires are calling us and we need to respond. Plan and move, lets not be crippled by the blue print, the goal was to show us where to pass in this life.

See you all as you add value to life.

At Some Point

At some point it feels like a trap, this life am living. There are days when I want to jump into the Nile, not for death but for the experience of jumping off something high into something dangerous and uncertain, like the days would have a twist to them that actually adds color. That is on those days, and those days have a way of staying long with me. But then I think of the people that would cry, the ones that would laugh, those that would never understand or even those that would not want to understand. Then I hold back in my tracks and re-evaluate, only I am not sure that I am doing so to their tune or the one I would love to call mine.

But what hurts the most is that when I am trying to live according to their way, they are not here to help. Life can be perfect, but the window for realizing that is so short that most of us miss it. When we put ourselves to the task of living we assign ourselves a great responsibility, one not only to ourselves but to all those that share in this experience called living.

I have seen how we are unkind to those that have even stepped off the line for a second, how we are quick to cut them out. I have seen how when we give love, or anything that only a heart can give, we give with many strings, expectations that are heavy and burdensome. When you think about it, after all these years of doing this, the animals may be better at doing it than we are.

Back to jumping off bridges; we all try to make meaning of our existence here, we try to add value to our breath and sense of direction and purpose. Some of us succeed and many still don’t. We are all custodians of our lives, and though many of us know that to be true, we neglect the fact that we are custodians of life, the life around us and the life within us. When we are in pain or hurting, we are and there is no shortcut to that, there is no putting that aside. If we all looked around, it would not be hard to find a soul trying to jump off the high place we have put them to the unknown, a world where they would perhaps find the freedom they quietly long for.

When you think about it all, we have all had our part in putting others to impossible places and when they sought for a change, we have all had our part in frowning at them, or at least projecting the frown as the likely outcome. We have all stood and watched as one of us has stumbled their way to doom and we stood both not knowing what to do and not wanting to know what to do. Society has no space for defectors, and a single defection can be the bars that hold one for a generation, a single moment of attempting to jump or actually jumping can be the poison that slowly kills a soul.

Living is not for the weak, and we have all experienced that. Our faces are scratched every day by the hands of those that love us, we are bruised daily by the advice that is meant to put us on the right track, each day the soils of our burying are added by the warm hearts that mean no harm. And even though we know the intentions to be pure, we do not understand why the thoughts flow in one direction away from us, and why the help is not built into the system as opposed to being added once the wounds have been incurred and are rotting.

After all this time, the animals are better at living than we are:

You see, we have learnt that nature has to balance and that after every giving there should be a receipt, we have learnt that when we wish well, its right and that when we know right, we should be heard. In the process we have silently eliminated the individuals, choice of not only how high the bridge should be and over what river it should be, by also over if they need the bridge or would prefer the water. In the system of living we only build the help that we think would be needed and that we have proved to both be needed and helpful in the moment but we have ignored the creation of help out of the life that exists.

At This Point
I am grateful. Even though my heart longs for things that I do not poses yet, I know that the best things in life are with us, love, Joy, hope and faith. But I also know that just because they are there, does not mean that they are to come out on their own. The interactions we make with other beings bring the best of us out. That said, I think I am in need of such an interaction. We should take a moment each day and thank God for the amazing strength that He gives us to live each day, because while we live in a totally wrong system, we make it to the next day with dreams, accomplishment, regrets, ambitions and even love. We are stronger than we have known ourselves to be. We could have chosen to say goodbye to this place called life, but have some fight left in us, and fractured or not, we face each day, with new mercies and grace.

The mistakes made in a single day can be many and for many of us, they are so many, in the summary of time we shall truly see that we were more than just fighters, or conquerors, we made our way through this jungle. Some ways were short but they were ways none the less. Instead of beating the defectors, let’s show them that even the river has a bottom and an end, not forgetting a start, lets pay tribute to our responsibility to help another soul find their way through here. If you see me bleeding, look closely at yourself, it may be your blood am passing out.

The Energy

We are humans and that word humans, though I am not aware of its origins touched me so deeply. I sit in wonder of where we get our energy, the energy of though, of emotion, of being and the very many things that we can do and actually do on a regular basis. We are the force that is here to hold things together even though many times we simply break things apart.

Think of a wife in a home were the husband has turned into a stranger. She has to harness the strength to love, may be not the husband, but the children and herself. In the midst of terrible hurt and betrayal she still finds the strength to do the right thing and even though she may not do it all right, there is a strength that pushed her to do some good and right.

A young man dreaming of starting and running his own company. When the resources oppose him and the help is so stretched. He still finds reason to dream on and to hope that one day he is going to touch the dreams he sees in his heart. The list could go on and you will find yourself somewhere on the line. We are embedded, by our creator with certain capabilities that we have never even touched. When we interact with others of our kind, we all experience a lighting that springs not from those others but from our very selves. In us is the energy and we each bring it out in each other when we let ourselves do so.

When we lose for the very first time, we experience a sinking in that many times we think we shall never get out of. We have all experienced loss of some kind, our dreams have shattered right in front of us, we have had moments when we were invalid even to ourselves, but as we kept on this road of life, we awakened the energy on the inside of us, energy not only to move forward but also to regain our dignity, to feel that we are important again.

Cynics have crossed our paths and doubted everything that we stood for; there have even been moments when we doubted ourselves, not because of the magnitude of the task but for the insufficiency of our very selves. And indeed we are insufficient in ourselves. Even the strongest among us has a limit. We all get to the point when we cannot gather the energy to love, to forgive and so on, may be for a season, may be for a lifetime, but we all get to that point. And the maker of the universe made sure that there would be enough energy flowing down here to help us overcome those moments.

When we take a walk in the park, go out with friends or simply listen to the kind of music that we love the most, we tap into this energy. The point is we each carry a bit of the energy I am talking about, an ability to make others happy, free, independent or even confident. We each can help those around us experience these.

The challenge is that we can only do that to an extent and that because we have not lived with people that did this for us, we are not with the experience to do this for any one else. In think that the maker of this universe thought it wise to stretch Himself in all of creation so that we may have a glimpse of Who He is and that we would know what it is like to experience Him in the different scenarios of life. What I am saying is that while we have insurmountable energy on the inside of us, to emit in this life, we can all get a bit more from the one that started it all, the one that is all of it, when we agree to be with Him.

True, our energy can get exhausted and it will at a certain point, we shall rebel against our very selves, go against the norms that we helped create and be the beings we never thought we would be. And in those moments, the people that knew us as the opposite will go against us at a time when we most need to be covered and reminded of the nature that we inherently posses. We are then left alone to wander in the deserts of life, sometimes alone, many times in the company of those very things that led to us being redefined. A redefinition we don’t like and that’s the reason for our being rejected in the first place.

We are much stronger than we think or have experienced ourselves to be. I think the Creator of this universe thought it only wise to put within us the energy that will help us hold things together even when the times are dark and gloom. When our definition has been altered we need all the external energy to re-kindle that on the inside of us, and whatever will seem to present the help will indeed be our friend.

When we have lost, from the inside of us, we are many times without the ability to rekindle our energy. We are impaired so that we are not in any position to move in the right direction on our own, but many times we do, many times we are left to make that walk alone and somehow we all find the ability. Where do we get our energy from? When we fall on the race track and there is no one to pick us up, we pick ourselves up and yet run again. The pain of life will be thrown upon us, we shall be pressed many time, compressed and pressured from within, but we shall not be crushed or perish, we shall live to tell this story and when that time comes, it will be a beautiful story to tell.

Where do we get our energy? From the one that made it all, that is all. When we are forsaken, we are not without help or strength; we are well embedded with it in us. For all our journeys, alone or in company, we shall count on the energy that He provides.

Isn’t He a beautiful God?